Why

Recently I wondered how a friend, a Catholic laywoman who teaches religious-education classes, can reconcile being divorced and having a boyfriend with her faith. My wife said there wouldn't be any Catholics if they had to follow the rules. Yet I remember as a boy Father O'Keefe saying you couldn't have it both ways, and the pope seems to echo that message.
I had a recent conversation with another friend in which we discussed educational options for our children, and I asked her whether she believed in God, because I know she doesn't attend church services. She said believed in God and that it was important for her husband that their two kids receive the sacraments, like first communion and confirmation. She said they had to be better about their religious practices.
I don't attend church, either, but I didn't exactly tell her that I don't believe in God. Having grown up with Catholic indoctrination, I naturally turned to prayer for relief from the crippling anxiety I experienced as a younger man. Suicide seemed like a logical solution, but the Church forbade it; logic and the Church don't especially walk hand in hand.
So I told this friend I had prayed for relief, persistently, from certain burdens, but no relief arrived. That shook my faith and set me off on a path of seriously questioning what up to that point had remained gospel, so to speak. Getting out from under an upbringing in which religion played an outsize role can be tortuous and protracted. Especially when believing brings comfort. It's nice to think that a beneficent higher power watches over mankind and has our interests at heart and will cradle us in his arms when we die. It's just that experience indicates otherwise. And if you don't believe in our God, we'll kill you, motherfucker. Perhaps life is a trial and eternal reward awaits. Probably not for me, I guess, since I've had the temerity to pose questions, such as:

Why do people kill their children? Are they nuts? If so, why did God allow these nuts to be born, let alone have children? Free will, my mother would say. God gave us free will, so we can kill at will.

Why do people suffer from depression? Not the blues because, say, the Steelers lost (I have seen some crestfallen Steelers fans, and domestic violence has been documented to increase on Super Sunday). But debilitating depression, the kind that makes you submit to having electricity course through your skull.

Why do other diseases exist, like cancer and Alzheimer's and the like? 

Why do people text and drive? Or walk and text? Maybe, and this appears to be pervasive, because they're inconsiderate. They have the right to impose on others.

Why do people lie? Usually self-interest, I'd wager, which begs the question about why people are selfish. And inconsiderate.


Why do human beings wage war? Again, self-interest could be the likely culprit. With war comes suffering and death.

Why do people rape? Sure, psychologists have explanations, but why did God allow for the psychological conditions that motivate rape? If, in fact, they are the reasons.

Why do some people have excessive wealth while others sit on the streets in tattered clothes and ask for money?

Why was I born today, Life is useless like Ecclesiastes say? That's Pete Townshend, so I can't take credit. 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why are some people ugly and others attractive?

Why do imbeciles proliferate?

Why didn't I hit the lottery? I played. If I had prayed, might I have won? If I had done the St. Theresa thing or the Prayer to Saint Joseph? I used those prayers as a younger man, and not for anything material, but just to feel all right. They're supposed to get you what you want, goddamnit.

Why does free will make some people self-destructive? That's probably the pain.

So why do we hurt?

And why did my best friend die?

Why can't I get past myself to surrender to religion? I might feel better if I could.