Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Gitmo

I have a solution for the Guantanamo problem that only the bloodiest of hearts would find unpalatable. President Obama, are you listening?
I propose that we allow the prisoners to build rafts, a la would-be Cuban refugees, and have them launch those rafts into the Atlantic Ocean. The Army could even furnish them with materials to construct their makeshift vessels. There should probably be a pecking order to determine who gets to choose raft mates, and to determine where each detainee ranks, they could participate in a spelling bee, which would be educational and entertaining:

Moderator: The word is "infidel."
Detainee: Could I please have the etymology? Could you use that in a sentence?

Which is just a stalling tactic, of course, since they know damn well how to use infidel in a sentence. The spelling bee could be broadcast on Fox.
Speaking of which, the whole thing could be a reality show, from the start of raft construction to their journey (a few shark attacks wouldn't hurt ratings) to their arrival on the Florida shores, when it would get really interesting. For I also propose that those who reach Miami then be transferred to Ground Zero. The construction crews at Ground Zero could affix prison-style bars over the top of the pit where the twin towers stood, and the surviving detainees could take up residence in the pit itself. This holds myriad opportunities.
Visitors to the site would have the chance to purchase ball bearings from machines, like the ones that dispense gumballs at supermarkets, to throw at the detainees. The catch, however, is that they could throw them back. Fair is fair. The detainees also would have protection behind which they could seek refuge, like on American Gladiators. Along with that gladiator theme, I have another possible diversion, though some people might find it in poor taste: that we occasionally unleash German shepherds in the pit to interact with the two-legged inhabitants.
So this is just a winner. The purchase of the raft materials and ball bearings provides an economic boost, not to mention the tourist influx to New York. And the reality show offers entertainment and generates advertising revenue. Aside from which, it's clearly a politically palatable solution that likely would garner bipartisan support.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Canada Geese

New York recently said it would euthanize 2,000 Canada geese that frequent the vicinity of Kennedy and LaGuardia airports. The decision comes in the wake of U.S. Airways Flight 1549's January landing on the Hudson River. Federal wildlife officials also are in the process of exterminating potentially thousands of birds in New Jersey. U.S. Department of Agriculture spokeswoman Carol Bannerman told the Associated Press that a single bird excretes about a half-pound of feces daily, rendering some public parks unusable. N.J. has 80,000 resident Canada geese, about twice the density wildlife officials consider manageable, the AP reported.
Hallefuckinglujah.
I was going to suggest, at the very least, that they be deported. Back to Canada. A few years ago, some hockey-stick-wielding local kids annihilated about a half-dozen Canada geese. I wonder if anyone appreciated the poetic beauty.
Geese defecate indiscriminately. They foul lakes, soil biking/jogging/rollerblading/walking-the-baby-in-a-stroller paths and bury soccer fields under layers of excrement. Or, to put it more eloquently, they're just dirty fuckers. And I've met a number of dogs, including my own, who consider goose shit a delicacy.
And it they start bringing avian flu around, well, better if we already have begun to thin the ranks. Because then it won't be some Asian farmer living in close proximity to chickens, but it could be you at the park. Maybe Jeff Daniels can lead them away in a fucking airplane.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Helmet Law

Here's a modest proposal, and it doesn't involve eating babies: There should be a helmet law in New York, or maybe even a federal regulation, for people who walk and text simultaneously. The reason those people should be required to wear helmets is because that same law would allow me to kick them down the stairs when they're walking and texting in front of me and slowing me down. If we're going up the stairs, I should be able to grab them by the shoulders and pull them down the stairs. On the street, a kick in the back of the knee.
And there should be variations. For example, a cluster of people standing at the top of a stairway taking pictures also deserve to be kicked/thrown down the stairs. It's only right.
In a similar vein, talking on the phone while driving merits punishment. And who the fuck are all these people talking to, anyway? You are endangering yourself and, more important, me. So I wish I had a car, like Speed Racer, from which saw blades emerged. As part of this law, I would have the right to saw their fucking cars in half.
People on the train, same thing. Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear your side of the conversation. And if you're hacking your guts up, take it somewhere else, or else...I don't know, because I don't want to get too close. Maybe Mace.
Umbrellas are another matter. If it's barely raining, put the fucking umbrella away. And when you're under cover, there definitely isn't any rain, so the only purpose the umbrella is serving is to imperil my eyesight because, when you spin around or stop abruptly, the point on the umbrella ribs swing right by my face. Punitive action for such an offense should include, but not be limited to, forced sterility. The world doesn't need any more geniuses in the gene pool walking around with umbrellas, with the possible exception of Russian operatives.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Don't Shit Where You Eat

Don't shit where you eat. I'd like to meet the genius who first held forth with this pearl of wisdom. I mean, what the fuck? I don't even think I know what this means.
In a literal sense, it should be self-evident that these two activities aren't conducive to common ground.
If you shit in the kitchen or wherever else you routinely eat, well, that would be a mess. And you could slip on the tile floor and crack your fucking head open. But what if you're eating at a restaurant? Granted, you shouldn't shit on your chair or in the booth or even under the table, but can you not use the bathroom there? If you're having a picnic in the park, you definitely shouldn't shit on the grass or in the sand or even in the water, but you could use a port-a-potty, right? Not that anyone really wants to use one of those fly traps. So you sort of are shitting where you eat. And you definitely shouldn't shit where you eat if you're at a party at somebody's house or something. If you pick up a carrot stick off the vegetable tray, get some dip on it and take a shit on the dining-room rug, well, bad manners.
And if you shouldn't shit where you eat, the converse should be true: don't eat where you shit. First of all, there are practical considerations. A toilet isn't the most comfortable accommodation, especially for having a meal. After a while, the discomfort, especially the pressure on the back of the legs, would likely make the experience less enjoyable. Combine that with having to balance a plate, utensils, napkin and drink, and the challenges multiply. You could use a tray on your lap, but if you have your napkin on the tray, instead of your lap, that could be considered a breach of etiquette. And using toilet paper instead of a napkin is just gauche. And how do you hold your reading material if there's a tray full of food on your lap? The complications are myriad.
All of these situations apply to the port-a-potty, also. Most people I know don't even want to shit in one, let alone eat in it. There's even less room than a regular bathroom, they smell worse and they're sweltering in the summer and cold in the winter.
Now, let's look at this less literally. I've heard "don't shit where you eat" most often in reference to interoffice romances. It might make some sense in that context, if shitting is having the affair and eating is collecting a paycheck. But then why is it not "don't fuck where you make money"? Unless you're a prostitute, of course, in which case you have to fuck where you make money.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not for Nothin'

Not for nothin', a phrase for which Italian-Americans seem to have a particular affinity, probably ascended into the consciousness of more people because of The Sopranos. Like, Tony would say, "Not for nothin', but I'm gonna rip your fuckin' head off." Not verbatim from the show, but you get the idea.
I first heard it years before The Sopranos. A hairdresser I knew prefaced statements with it, and I found it perplexing. "Not for nothin," a double negative, means it's for something. So if you need to preface your statement with it, does that betray your insecurity? If you have to tell me that what you're saying is for something, you're diluting your credibility right off the bat. Maybe you should just keep your fucking mouth shut to begin with.
I guess it's idiomatic, and perhaps it helps to soften whatever is coming next. Sort of like, "Don't take this the wrong way, but...." Because it's always, "Not for nothin', but...." Maybe I should try it out when I'm on the subway: "Not for nothin', but you stink to the point where I'm on the verge of passing out." Would that absolve me of the political incorrectness associated with telling someone directly that they're an olfactory affront? It's better than, "Not for nothin', but I'm gonna rip your fuckin' head off."
Such logic could be applied in any number of situations. To wit:
"Not for nothin', but that was the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen anyone do."
"Not for nothin', but your ass has gotten really big."
"Not for nothin', officer, but I can't believe who they let carry guns."
"Not for nothin', but that bride ain't beautiful."
"Not for nothin', but that actually happens to be the ugliest fucking baby I've ever seen."
"Not for nothin', but I'm pretty sure your God doesn't exist or is, at the most, second-rate."

You see what I mean? It's a real conversational lubricant. Not for nothin', but try it for yourself. See how it goes.