Helmet Law

Here's a modest proposal, and it doesn't involve eating babies: There should be a helmet law in New York, or maybe even a federal regulation, for people who walk and text simultaneously. The reason those people should be required to wear helmets is because that same law would allow me to kick them down the stairs when they're walking and texting in front of me and slowing me down. If we're going up the stairs, I should be able to grab them by the shoulders and pull them down the stairs. On the street, a kick in the back of the knee.
And there should be variations. For example, a cluster of people standing at the top of a stairway taking pictures also deserve to be kicked/thrown down the stairs. It's only right.
In a similar vein, talking on the phone while driving merits punishment. And who the fuck are all these people talking to, anyway? You are endangering yourself and, more important, me. So I wish I had a car, like Speed Racer, from which saw blades emerged. As part of this law, I would have the right to saw their fucking cars in half.
People on the train, same thing. Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear your side of the conversation. And if you're hacking your guts up, take it somewhere else, or else...I don't know, because I don't want to get too close. Maybe Mace.
Umbrellas are another matter. If it's barely raining, put the fucking umbrella away. And when you're under cover, there definitely isn't any rain, so the only purpose the umbrella is serving is to imperil my eyesight because, when you spin around or stop abruptly, the point on the umbrella ribs swing right by my face. Punitive action for such an offense should include, but not be limited to, forced sterility. The world doesn't need any more geniuses in the gene pool walking around with umbrellas, with the possible exception of Russian operatives.