The Devil in Disguise

The devil inside
The devil inside
Every single one of us the devil inside --INXS

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
Cause I'm in need of some restraint.
--The Rolling Stones

A recent TV show, replete with guttural invective and physical gyrations, concerned itself with the Devil and the people in whose bodies he allegedly resides and those who just believe in him. The "possessed" people's behavior struck me as a curiosity. If the Devil's greatest deception was to make everyone believe he didn't exist, then why the fuck is he, often in a woman's body, screaming and writhing and calling attention to himself? That ain't no way to keep a low profile, you damn dirty Devil. I capitalize the "D" in Devil because, well, we do it for God. It's a proper name, I guess, like Lucifer or Satan.He has a bunch of names, with Lucifer supposedly the one before he got kicked out of Heaven. Must be a bitch to get kicked out of Heaven, banished to somewhere beneath the ground. And it's hot. You go to hell and you get singed on the ass all day. And that's where we bury our dead. Isn't that like handing them over to Him?
How about the logic behind justifying the Devil's existence, that he has led us to believe that he doesn't exist. It's like having faith in God. We don't know he's there, but we believe he is. We can't prove the Devil's existence because he's so goddamned good at concealing it. But the Devil crawls inside people, or however he gets in there, and acts like a fucking moron.
Meanwhile, are all these temptations the Devil's handiwork. Does he make people drink? Does he make people have extramarital sex? Does he make people go to titty bars? Does he make people kill their kids? Does he make the Taliban murderers? Did he make people fly planes into the World Trade Center? If so, I guess God can't stop him. I'm familiar with the argument that people have free will and therefore are free to bomb embassies. So God just acquiesces? Turns them over to the Devil, the guy he bounced out of Heaven in the first place? Satan is so formidable that God can't kick his ass?
Anyway, back to the show. They spent some time on Long Island outside the Amityville Horror house. The show's host spoke to the stepson, I think, of the man who lived in the house, George Lutz. This guy blamed George for the haunting, saying he brought it on himself by transcendental meditation, that most evil of evils. George summoned the Devil by meditating. The priest who came to bless the house as they were moving in said a masculine voice told him to "get out." So the Devil speaks English. I guess he speaks all languages. What's cool about the Lutzes' experience, also, is that George would hear a German marching band tuning up. I'm not sure what makes a German marching band distinct from any other marching band, but he apparently said it was German. So the Devil favors marching-band music. And so many people suggest he prefers heavy metal. Another cool aspect of the Amityville haunting is that cloven hoofprints attributed to an enormous pig allegedly appeared in the snow; I can't help but picture a Macy's float-type-pig hovering outside their windows. Also, the house allegedly boasted cold spots and odors of perfume and excrement in areas of the house where no wind drafts or piping would explain the source. The Devil shit in the basement or whatever. Defecating Devil. Or maybe it was one of those marching Germans. Rude.
Another aspect of Devil stuff the show touched on involved exorcisms. Those rituals make me wonder: If a priest can expel the Devil from someone, why can't he prevent him from getting in there in first place? Why haven't we developed protection, like the pepper spray people use to ward off bears while hiking? Devil Mace. Or special clothing like the kind that blocks UV rays. Do priests learn in the seminary how to perform exorcisms? Part of the curriculum, Exorcism 101. AP Exorcism. Credits transfer when you move on to advanced seminary. And while you're exorcising the Devil anyway, get rid of those Germans and clean up the shit in the basement.