A Gay Old Time

This is not an indictment of gay people; in fact, I think I'm half-gay. A jury of my peers this past New Year's Eve came to the conclusion that I do decidedly gay things, like take care of all the plants in the house. I also think "The Sound of Music" is a great movie, and I occasionally listen to Mary Chapin Carpenter. So this is like when Jews say things about Jews (they're allowed because they're Jews).
But the recent Supreme Court decision allowing a fringe church group to conduct antigay demonstrations near funerals of dead servicemen got me thinking about what is gay. (By the way, the church people say the soldiers deserved to die because the U.S. tolerates gays.)
--A dick in the mouth is gay, unless you're a woman.
--A clit in the mouth is gay, unless you're a man.
--A dick in the ass is gay, unless you're a woman.
--Putting your dick in another guy's ass is gay, no matter what.
--Sweaters are gay, and sweater vests are uber-gay.
--A man wearing earmuffs is totally gay.
--Clogs are fucking gay.
--Not eating meat is gay.
--Driving a Prius--gay.
--Smart cars are gay.
--BMWs aren't gay, necessarily, but they are dickish.
--Wearing my childhood Superman cape as an apron, which my gay cousin did when were about 6 years old, is gay.
--Spandex, with nothing over top, is gay, unless you're a chick (and not a fat one).