The Road Not Taken

Sometimes the paths down which I haven't traveled appear to hold more appeal than the ones I have followed and leave me wondering "what if?"
Only a hair's breadth seems to have separated a potentially vastly different life from the one I now know. It's probably best to relegate those "what ifs?" to the trash-bin area of my compartmentalization and not dwell on them, but, still, some linger.
For example, what if I had squeezed the trigger when I held the loaded gun to my head when I was 17 or 18 or whatever I was? I didn't think it was loaded, so imagine how surprised I would have been had I squeezed the trigger. If you can be surprised and dead. Or would there have been a moment between squeezing the trigger and its penetration of my skull when I would have realized that it was loaded?
That would have been an accident, but I can substitute any number of times when I considered doing it deliberately. Had I done so, I like to imagine the "It's a Wonderful Life Scenario." My girlfriend would have become an old maid. Mr. Potter would have taken over the town. But, really, I would have spared myself a fair amount of pain, though probably not much would have been different for everyone else. That girlfriend split, anyway. She would just have gotten an earlier start. I can't say my family would have ended up much worse off. I can't imagine how it could be much worse off.
The people who know me now and might not like to think about my absence would never have known me in the first place. So they'd be all right. The kids wouldn't exist. There could be some aspects to this of which I'm unaware. Maybe I've saved people's lives without even realizing it. And maybe in saving those lives I've touched a number of other lives. Maybe if I hadn't been driving on a certain day in a certain place, there would have been an accident that killed a child. Much of this remains beyond my capability to process. Being a natural optimist, I guess I just have to allow for the possibility that I've done more than I realize.
What if I hadn't gone to that elitist all-male high school? I would have had more time with my friends at the public school, which could have been detrimental to everyone's well-being, considering the activities in which we engaged when we were together. Maybe we were just making the most of our time during those times. Would I have had more girlfriends than I had? Perhaps, and that might have been good. But, who knows, maybe someone would have gotten pregnant. I wouldn't have gotten as good an education at the public school, but I still could have ended up in the same college. Like my friends who went to the public school and didn't bust their asses to get by. Or maybe, with a different girlfriend, I would have gone to a different college. Maybe I would have liked the area where the different college was situated and stayed there. Then I probably wouldn't be working where I do. Which leads me to my next point.
What if I hadn't taken this job? As a journalist, I'm pretty sure I made the wrong career choice. I don't think I need to verify that with a bunch of sources, either. What else would I be doing? I got in to law school but decided not to attend. If I were a lawyer, what kind would I be? The corporate guy putting in a bunch of hours making a mint? Public defender? Someone who makes sure the contract is all squared away when you're buying a house? Who does your will? I think not becoming a lawyer probably was a good idea, since I've tended not to enjoy exposure to them. Those motherfuckers always search for an angle. I've often thought I should have pursued a medical degree but, while in school, I sucked at chemistry and biology. By the time I started to care about that shit, I would have had to make up a lot of ground. Too late now, and the doctors I know decry all the red tape. I could have become a teacher and coach, but that would have left me wondering about opportunities forgone. If only I had had the benefit of hindsight then.
What if I had never tried antidepressants or gotten electroconvulsive therapy? I don't think I'd be dead if not for the drugs, but perhaps if not for the ECT. So, what if I hadn't had ECT? Who knows?
What if I hadn't gotten married? What if I had married someone different? It all gets murky.
When I considered leaving the high school I attended, a teacher had lunch with me and told me that it might be a mistake to leave but that I couldn't treat it as a mistake. Once I did it, that became the new reality, and if I went along treating it as a mistake, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A whole universe exists. Different people in different places. Perhaps a seemingly mundane occurrence could have caused a seismic life shift. If I hadn't gone to college there and that professor hadn't recommended that I interview for the internship and I hadn't gotten a job with the company, I wouldn't have met people with whom I've had 20-year relationships. But I would have encountered an entirely different group of people. If I had gone to that restaurant five minutes earlier, I might have met someone and my life might not resemble what it has become. Maybe the guys in the Lifetime movies have it down; they lead those parallel lives, with one family here and the other family over on the other side of town. Or the people who have the life at home with the family but have the girlfriend or the boyfriend or whatever. We walk a fine line between being who we are and who we're not. I guess the more we spend time on what if leads to less time dedicated to what is.