The Last Resort

I'm going away to the last resort in a week or two real soon....
--John Prine
I would have killed myself, but it made no sense, committing suicide in self-defense....
--Butch Hancock

When the medication doesn't work and the therapy doesn't work and desperation is at hand, don't fret, you still have options. Foremost among these is suicide. Granted, it's extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sometimes life is a task, and I look forward to its conclusion. No more of the trials and tribulations. Unless, of course, purgatory is real. Then I guess it will just be more of the same, and who needs that? Anticipating the relief that will accompany my earthly demise is akin to looking forward to summer vacation at the end of the school year, just on a grander scale. But killing yourself is a mortal sin, so I guess you don't get into heaven. Do people who accidentally overdose get into heaven, though? What about alcoholics who kill themselves slowly over a number of years? People who commit suicide are merely attempting to mitigate their pain, just like substance abusers. If drug addicts and alcoholics get into heaven, so too should people who commit suicide. And are there drugs in heaven? Because heavenly detox could be in store for the substance abusers.
Just as alcoholism is characterized by medical professionals as a disease, a predisposition toward suicide appears to have been hard-wired in me, accompanying the depression as far back as I can remember. I threatened to jump out the window when I was four years old. I would think that might have set off alarm bells, but apparently not. So, I've been thinking about suicide longer and more consistently than anything else.
I've come close but also felt constrained by the finality. I have envisioned the cold steel blade of a knife liberating blood from my veins and bathing in its warmth. I never thought of a half-measure, the suicide attempt that's really a cry for help. Because if you really want to kill yourself, how can you screw that up? I've held a gun to my head that I didn't think was loaded. I didn't squeeze the trigger, and it turned out to be loaded. What made me not squeeze the trigger? I've wished many times since that I had.
I've always considered that it might be selfish, also. What would the people left behind think in its wake? Although I also have thought that if the people who cared for me knew the pain, they would endorse the decision.
The suicide-prevention brigade, for all its good intentions, could be off the mark. Don't kill yourself. It's not that bad. Things will get better. There's help. You're not alone. How do they know things will get better? Maybe they'll get worse. And you most definitely are alone. Anyone seriously contemplating suicide has to feel that the suicidal pros outweigh the cons. Probably in some cases, preventing a suicide is noble. Maybe a person has had a considerable moment of weakness and isn't really a suicide devotee.
It is reasonably popular, though. In 2006, suicide was the eleventh-leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 33,300 deaths, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That year, suicide was the third-leading cause of death for people ages 15 to 24. There are even statistics regarding the suicide rate for children 10-14 years old. Either these kids have incredible insight into what the world holds in store, or they're misguided. In these cases, intervention should be a duty. Children this young are too inexperienced/uninformed/stupid to recognize that perhaps there are alternatives. The same is likely true of some adults, it's just that there are other adults who have come to reasoned conclusions that suicide is a viable option. And I know that there are people who will say that that kind of reasoning is warped, but what do they know?
According to the Web site suicide.org, more than a million people annually die by their own hands. Cancer deaths globally were about eight million in 2007, according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer.
I knew someone who killed himself within the past few years. Left behind two little boys. And I thought that was incredibly selfish. And when I see those boys, I think of the ramifications for them. His legacy is anguish for them because he was incapable of enduring his own anguish. He passed the buck to two children.
I used to have so much more to say about the subject, but suicide no longer offers the solace it once did. Sometimes I find it disconcerting that I no longer have the comfort of suicide as a fallback option, like a safety school. Instead, it's just wearying and doesn't arouse the same passion it once did. And I know two kids who wouldn't understand.