Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Swear to God

Catholicism is based to some extent on the premise that a crucified individual came back to life. Said individual's mother conceived him without having intercourse.
Mormons believe that God and Jesus appeared before one Joseph Smith in New York in 1820. Then, "some years after his first vision," Joseph was led (not sure by whom or what) to a hill near Palmyra, New York, where he received an ancient record from an angel known as Moroni (slice off the "i" here). The record, which he apparently found under a rock, was engraved on metal plates and gave the history of a people who lived on the American continent during the time of Christ, including the appearance of the resurrected Christ to them. Joseph translated the record, and the resultant Book of Mormon was first published in New York in 1830.
This is all according to Mormon.org, which bills itself as "The Official Web site of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints."
The Web site also says: "Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy today and forever. He has given commandments that, when followed, will benefit your life. These instructions from God help you live a happy life."
These include such dictates as pray (and pay) often, don't have sex with anyone except your spouse and the recommendation not to drink.
This doesn't exactly seem like a recipe for happiness. They want to make you pray, take your money and have you abstain from alcohol. I'd be much happier keeping my money, having sex and drinking. Although some people drink and then pay for sex, thus losing some money while still drinking and fornicating. I'd rather lose the money and get the drinking and the sex instead of losing the money and not having the other two.
And there are other religions, with other premises. Reasonable people would be skeptical in this day and age if they were told someone rose from the dead. I would run the risk of being dismissed were I to claim an angel appeared before me and then I found inscribed tablets under a rock telling me how to go about my life and proselytizing for others to do so. Somehow, though, these things got legs. There are plenty of Catholics and Mormons and Protestants and Jews and Muslims and Buddhists and Shintoists and Sikhs, etc.
To believe in a religion is to suspend disbelief. So, is religion a rationale for coping with this existence? There's gotta be something better in the afterlife. That's what we're shooting for, to get into heaven, Nirvana. This world is so shitty that it's inconceivable there isn't a more appealing one. But why is this world so shitty, when there's a benevolent God (who, by the way, you should be scared of and shouldn't cross)?
I'm confused. I mean, religion often has been the basis for war. And everybody's god is the best. How can that be? Well, I guess it can't, so let's fight it out to see who's the top god. You have the Crusades. The French Religious Wars. The Mideast. Northern Ireland. The Turks and the Armenians. Kashmir. Iraq. Sudan. Ethiopia, et al. Some gods, apparently, sanction genocide, decapitation, the severance of limbs and rape. Now what kind of god is that? And if it's not true, the where is God when this stuff is happening. And who's protecting the children? Some people who advocate war adamantly oppose abortion because, they say, it's taking a human life. Doesn't seem to be any gray area there. Such clearly delineated morality is perhaps disingenuous, or, if not, perplexing. How can they be so sure that wartime killing is just while abortion is not, under any circumstances? Some killing is all right, as long as its suits the world as viewed through their prism. These people support cannibalism, for Chrissake, with all that eating the body of Christ and drinking his blood.
Well, for Catholics, God granted free will. With that license, we apparently can steal, cheat and kill. No, because the Commandments say not to. Well who is enforcing these Commandments? It doesn't appear to be God. And it seems like a disproportionate number of priests are molesting little boys. Hmm, that's strange. Why wouldn't someone want to be a priest? It's perfectly natural to embrace chastity and lecture your congregation about how they should conduct their lives. And you do this under the authority of someone who rose from the dead, turned water into wine, helped part the Red Sea, appeared as a burning bush, brought on the locusts, blah, blah, blah. Naturally, a priest is eminently qualified to serve as a marriage counselor.
But these people have a few escape hatches: God has a plan; He has called the little girl who was sodomized and killed because he needs a new angel; the Lord works in mysterious ways; ya gotta have faith, with apologies to George Michael, who, in all likelihood would either be scorned by the Catholic Church of embraced as a priest.
Faith is the biggie. We know this stuff because, well, it says so in the Bible and we have faith. We don't have to prove anything, 'cause we have faith. You can't win an argument when faith is on the other side, so don't have faith that you can. People have so much faith that they come in droves to see the image of the Virgin Mary in a piece of French toast.
At least Catholics aren't hypocritical. There are the aforementioned priests, of course. Then people like the devout co-worker looking at Sports Illustrated swimsuit models on the Web during the workday. Or my mother, who sorted through coupons during sermons at mass when I was growing up. These congregants get to pick and choose, even though the Church says you can't be a selective pilgrim. For them, going to church is like an insurance policy against, well, hell, or purgatory, where you have to try to prove yourself worthy all over again. Catholicism, like other religions, is a denomination of superiority. Therein lies the problem: Those who ostensibly are tolerant are anything but. And where else would somebody like these priests, these pedantic blatherers, have a forum like they do on the Sunday pulpit.
Suffering is another thing. Apparently, we're meant to suffer on this Earth so that we can assure eternal life. If that's the case, then plenty of people must be in line for their version of eternal reward.
But take comfort in the platitudes: My boss is a Jewish carpenter (there must be some Jewish carpenters, because they build shit in Israel, after it's blown up by the Palestinians or Hezbollah, but I have yet to meet one). And the stupid fucking Jesus fish sported on automobiles. And the "JC" bumper sticker I saw on a vehicle this very morning. No ambiguity, it said "Jesus Christ" right under the "JC." It ain't the Yankees or the Jets, but, hey, everyone has their own thing, and if you're into JC, why not shout it out to the masses?
Now, the church as a community gathering ground isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it looks nice at Easter and Christmas. There was something moving about being in church on Christmas Eve, the lights, the chill, maybe snow, Santa coming around on the fire engine and the anticipation of all those presents. That, after all, is what Christmas is about. And the Passion Play at Easter was entertaining, though it required an inordinate amount of standing, which, all things considered, is preferable to being nailed to a cross. But there also was a sinister subculture playing itself out. Mass offered the opportunity to criticize. The charitable people going to church to haul off on the other charitable people. It's like multitasking in church; you're fulfilling your obligation while not wasting the opportunity to cast aspersions on the rest of humanity. That's a much better use of time than actually doing something constructive, like teaching some poor shit to read or something.
I can also understand why people want to believe there's something more, a peaceful existence without the weight thrust upon us by daily living. Or the belief that we'll meet up with those who preceded us in shedding this mortal coil. Hell, I want to see my dogs. I also know and like and admire some exceptionally bright people who, without reservation, believe in God and go to church, and I have a hard time reconciling their intelligence with their lack of skepticism on matters religious. At what point do your beliefs collide with some else's to such an extent that you have to conclude they're not as intelligent as you once thought? Does one even have to get to that point? Or is it more reasonable to conclude that piety derives from some inexplicable region of the brain and that its manifestation and intelligence are not mutually exclusive?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Russia

I always knew whiskey had a virtue beyond the normal alcohol-related benefits, and the Russians have substantiated my suspicion, as reported by Reuters:

Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whiskey on their trip to Wales for next month's World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 swine flu virus, the head of the country's supporter association (VOB) said Monday.

"We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whiskey as a form of disinfection," VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters.

"That should cure all symptoms of the disease."

Now, I have a predilection for American whiskey, so I'm hoping these properties aren't unique to Welsh whiskey, whatever the fuck that is.

In a similar vein, the Moscow Times earlier this year reported that passengers pleaded with the crew of an Aeroflot flight to intervene when the pilot appeared drunk during his preflight announcement. Then this:

An Aeroflot representative sought to assure them that "it's not such a big deal if the pilot is drunk."

"Really, all he has to do is press a button and the plane flies itself," the representative said. "The worst that could happen is he'll trip over something in the cockpit."

The airline later said there was something amiss but that the pilot wasn't drunk. Here's one passenger's take:

"I don't think there's anyone in Russia who doesn't know what a drunk person looks like," said Katya Kushner, who, along with her husband, was one of the first to react when the pilot made his announcement.

God bless 'em.

Mark Twain, after all, said this (from twainquotes.com):

Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, & those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.